How are you not going to throw on Caligula after reading that? So I did. ‘Caligula’ is not good art, it is not good cinema, and it is not good porn. That this film is not only garbage on an artistic level, but that it is also garbage on the crude and base level where it no doubt hopes to find its audience. I wanted to tell them,what did I want to tell them? What I’m telling you now. That was on a Saturday night, as a line of hundreds of people stretched down Lincoln Ave., waiting to pay $7.50 apiece to become eyewitnesses to shame. Disgusted and unspeakably depressed, I walked out of the film after two hours of its 170-minute length. If it is not the worst film I have ever seen, that makes it all the more shameful: People with talent allowed themselves to participate in this travesty. Here’s how Ebert kicked off his review when he got back to his typewriter: ‘Caligula’ is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Bob Guccione’s big-budget Ancient Rome porn extravaganza, Caligula. A film that was so inept and god-awful he had to get up and walk out of the theater. Still, even the most masochistic movie reviewer can have his or her limit. It’s 406 pages long-and according to Ebert, it merely represented the tip of the iceberg. Hundreds? Thousands? The doorstop-thickness of his essential anthology, I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie offers a hint at the sheer massiveness of the number. I wouldn’t know where to even begin when it comes to tallying up how many truly shitty movies Roger Ebert had to sit through in his four-and-a-half decades as a film critic.
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